From the Inside Out

“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes." Sally Field

For most of my life, I have lived by others’ rules; what my parents told me to do, what society told me was right, what my husband wanted me to do…I am learning now to live my life from the inside out and not the outside in. I am learning to follow my own compass. What I am trying to say is, I have certain ideas as to how the world works, but I never listened to my own ideas, I always confirmed what I was thinking with other people and adopted their points of view as my own. I did not trust my own thoughts and opinions. Some say this is an inherent quality, while others think it is a learned behavior. I tend to side with the learned behavior point of view. It has to do with a lack of self-confidence. The question is…how does one come to lack self-confidence?

Is it nature, or is it nurture? I can only give my opinion on this, I am no psychologist or therapist, but I believe it is nurture. That is not to say it is my parents’ fault, I’m not saying that at all…it is my absorption of what society, friends and family have said in the past…and not all was said about ME, it was just passing comments on other people and other situations that I inducted into my way of thinking. Every negative comment about someone became internalized and turned into a fault in myself…well, not EVERY negative comment, just the ones I thought applied.

I remember going to a ballet school with my grandmother when I was young…she wanted to enroll me, but the owner looked at me and said I was too heavy (I don’t recall how heavy I was, but I was never THAT heavy as a child). I internalized that and magnified it to the point that I could not look in the mirror without seeing every ounce of unwanted flesh. This then became a cycle of hating how I looked and then eating junk to get the high the endorphins would release so that I could feel better for a little while…and then when the sugar drop would come, I would hate myself more for what I ate and the cycle would begin again. Had I looked at the woman and said to myself “That’s only YOUR opinion, that doesn’t mean that I really AM too heavy… I have a mirror, you know!” then maybe I wouldn’t have the body image issues I have…but who’s to say that that one incident was the only one that contributed? I’m sure there were plenty more, this is just the one that stands out in my memory the most.

There are so many issues that I could discuss here about positive and negative self talk, I could probably fill a book…but I won’t! The point is, if I want to live a happy and fulfilled life, I have to start listening to my inner self and stop listening to all the outer input from friends, family and even strangers (well meaning as they may be). I have to learn to trust my own thoughts and feelings, which is something I am just not used to doing. I am making my own decisions now and they affect my life and my children’s lives. I have to learn to look to myself for decisions and trust that the ones that I make are right…and if they are not, that they will not do much damage and will be a learning experience. I need to rebuild myself to outwardly be the person I know I am on the inside. I take a step in that direction every day…I know it will be a long journey, but as I do it, I know I am setting a good example for my kids and I hope that it will help them to be stronger than I have been in the past!

Dreams Vs. Reality

I have not posted anything in a while. I have been busy looking for work. I had a job I loved, but the economy hit it and there is just no work for me right now. I was going to write about something else (again) but circumstances have left me thinking about following a dream vs. responsibility, so I am following my thought pattern…

I dreamed of being a writer. It has been my dream since high school, one that I have ignored and put off for the sake of security and money. I had no confidence in my writing ability and until recently did not think much of what I wrote. I never showed my writing to many people because I was afraid they would say I was just an “average” writer and I didn’t want to have my dream dashed. Within the last year, not only have I gained confidence, I have also started showing my work, sending my stories to publishers (nothing doing yet) and even working as a freelance writer…something I never dreamed was possible. I was living my dream and it was wonderful! I was able to supplement my support checks from my ex and give the kids what they needed. Here comes the responsibility part…the job is gone, for now. So now what do I do?

Do I continue trying to make a living as a writer, putting out proposals and scrounging for writing jobs? Writing articles and sending them out in the hope that a magazine will pick it up? It’s not as glamorous as I thought it would be, but then again, I thought I would be doing it with a firm foundation under me, that it would be a second income…I didn’t think I would be trying this as a single mother of 3 trying to make ends meet. The other choice is to go back to teaching, which I love but a field in which jobs are scarce right now.

I’m a good teacher, a creative teacher. I truly care for my students and do my best for them, just as I expect them to do their best for me. I can make a living and have security as a teacher…but should I give up on my dream of being a writer?

When does responsibility overtake passion? The only answer I have to that is – responsibility overtakes passion when reality hits you in the face; besides, who says you can't be passionate about more than one thing? Reality hits you when you have someone else depending on you and looking to you to be everything and supply everything for them. Dreams don’t die and they don’t fade if you don’t let them. There is a time to dream and a time to live in reality. This is my time to live in reality. If I can’t make a living as a writer right now, that only means that my timing is off, not that my dream is wrong. I can teach and still write and submit articles at the same time, but my priority must be my family. My time to try to make it as an author will come…right now; it’s my children’s time and they are my main priority. I'm looking forward to getting back into the classroom and teaching what I know about reading, writing and researching to my students. Who knows, maybe I will inspire a budding author or two!

So....anyone need a good elementary school teacher?