Yes, I know the new year started several weeks ago, but I've been so busy with work and the kids that I have not had time to really think about what I want for this new year. I took a little time to evaluate and realized that my new year started several months ago when my divorce was granted. So, what have I changed in my "new year"?
The first thing I have tried to change is my attitude toward myself. A friend pointed out to me that I do a lot of negative self-talk. I didn't really think I agreed with her, but then I started paying more attention to what goes on in my head...and she's right. Not only do I do it in my head, but I do it to myself out loud as well. Sometimes I treat is as a joke, but a lot of the time I am just berating myself for something I feel I should have done, but forgot to do or something I just didn't think to do that I should have done. Once I started paying attention to what I was saying to myself, I noticed that my kids were doing it to themselves and to each other! Especially my oldest who, I fear, is just like me (see, there I go again!). Once I realized that what I was saying to myself out loud was affecting my kids, I had to make the decision to change it. I don't want my kids to grow up calling themselves names in their heads. I grew up doing that, and no matter what my parents or my family told me, I never believed that I was smart or capable.
I realize that part of my issue is ADD, I forget to do things or don't pay attention to what is going on around me or what someone is saying to me and then when I realize that I have no idea what is going on, I call myself stupid. My organizational skills leave a lot to be desired as well, but again, that is directly related to my ADD. I grew up feeling that I was lazy and stupid...but I realize now that I am not and I don't want any of my kids to grow up feeling like that. No matter what I say to them, I know that the voice they will listen to the most is the one inside their heads. Self-talk is probably one of the biggest influences on the emotional development of a child. That is not to say that outside influences mean nothing. I had plenty of "proof" from the outside that I was "stupid"; plenty of reinforcement on that front. The most important thing I feel I can teach my kids from this is to love themselves as much as they love others. They need to know that I believe in them, but it is more important that they believe in themselves.
As many things as I need to change in order to become the person I want to be, I think that this is the most important, for me and for my kids. Until I can get positive self-talk going in my head and until I can believe it, there is no sense trying to change any other aspect of my life, because the changes won't last. So here's to the future - to believing in myself and my abilities and to teaching my kids to feel the same way about themselves. There is strength to be found inside all of us, if we just reach in far enough and pull it out. It's up to us to do that for ourselves and to teach our kids to do the same. We can't do it for them. It is our job as parents to teach them to find their own strengths. A belated Happy New Year to my friends and I hope you all find the strength to reach for your own goals for 2011.
