Angels Among Us

It amazes me what good friends I have. It seems that every time I am ready to give up, my friends rally behind me and pick me up. How can I give up on anything when I have so many wonderful people behind me?

This divorce is taking much more time than I thought it would, but then again, we were married for 12 years, so I guess one year is not too much to bear in order to dissolve it. It is much harder than I thought it would be. I used to say that it was too easy for people to get divorced, so when things didn't work out, no one bothered to work on it - they just filed. I take it all back! Getting a divorce is one of the hardest things anyone ever has to endure. Not just the time component, but the gut wrenching emotions that come with it.

A divorce is not just the dissolution of a marriage, it is taking a life that you have built together and separating it forever. If there are kids involved it is even harder. I wish I could just walk away with what I came into this with, but I have kids to support. I have to put a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their stomachs and that costs money. So why don't I go to work? Good question! I would love to, but right now it is not possible...unless someone wants to watch my kids this summer for free???? (just kidding)

I want to go back to work, but there are daycare costs, before and after school costs, summer camp costs...yes, I know other people do it, but I just can't seem to find the way to make it work right now. That doesn't mean I am going to give up on looking, just that I am still working on it. When the hiring freeze is lifted for teachers, that will clear the way, but for now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are times I feel I am being squeezed in that space so hard that my body is just going to dissolve into a pile of dust. It is at one of these times that one of the amazing people I am lucky enough to have in my life will do something so completely unexpected and giving; whether it is offering to move in with us and help with the kids and the rent, a gift card for groceries, coupons to take the kids out to eat or just a shoulder to cry on.

I don't know what I did in some other life to deserve these people, but I am glad that I did whatever it was that I must have done. I can't thank you enough, my friends, for all of your support and help. I hope you never find yourself in this kind of situation, but if you ever do...know that I will be there for you without hesitation! There truly are angels among us!

To Forgive or Forget

I just saw a profile online that says "The best revenge is to smile, be happy and never let them know they hurt you". So the question is...do you strive to hide the hurt or to get over it? Forgiveness can be very hard to come by and sometimes it is even harder to give. How magnanimous can you be when your heart has been ripped out? It is one thing to forgive a child for a mistake, it is harder to forgive an adult, whether it was a mistake or done on purpose.

I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart, I truly have. A friend of mine told me that until I can forgive, I will not truly be able to move on. It is good advice, but where do you find that forgiveness? Not only for other people, but for the mistakes you make yourself. Nobody is faultless when it comes to a divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage work, it also takes two people to destroy one. One person may seem more at fault, but in truth, it does take two making mistake after mistake before you get to that point where it is just not salvageable anymore. Once you reach that point, it is time for soul searching. I have done a lot of soul searching in my life, but this is the farthest I have ever had to reach into my own soul.

Divorce feels like your heart and soul are being ripped apart. In a way, they are. You and your spouse have been one for the duration of the marriage, so it is like pulling away from a part of yourself. Finding a new balance on your own is hard, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far. I am making some mistakes, but I know it will only get better as time goes on.

Some day I hope I will find forgiveness in my heart, even though I will never forget. In the meantime, I am learning to lean on my friends for support. Having wonderful friends helps a lot, but I have to learn to handle things on my own and support myself. So to my wonderful friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support as I learn to stand on my own two feet.