Separate Ways, Finally

Well, the papers have been signed, the details worked out and all the t's crossed and i's dotted. It has been over a year since we separated and we finally have a separation agreement. Now all there is left to do is wait for the final divorce to be granted and work out how we move on and try to parent our kids. We are so very different in our approaches that I don't see this being an easy thing.

How do you co-parent separately with someone you couldn't co-parent together with? Good question, right? We could do what we each please, fight like cats and dogs and blame each other when something goes wrong, or we could learn to communicate with each other, collaborate on details and work together. I don't think either of those will work for us. There has to be some middle ground somewhere that we can reach. There are going to be fights, there are going to be misunderstandings; that happens in the best of relationships and yes, this is still a relationship. It is just an evolving relationship. We are no longer best friends, in fact I don't think either of us would call the other friend at this moment in time. The fact remains, though, that we need to find a way to work together. We each need to learn to give to the other and think of the kids first.

So we move forward and through trial and error we will find the path of least resistance. We will do what is best for our kids, even if that means compromising or actually giving in to one another on occasion. Our only moments of togetherness will be discussing the children, and it is our children that will bind us together forever. All other bonds are broken, we are now each free to go our separate ways...and that is exactly what I intend to do.

WANTS VS. NEEDS

I grew up in an upper middle class family. My parents worked very hard to give us everything we needed and most of the things we wanted. They also tried to instill in us an appreciation for what we had and an understanding of the difference between what we wanted and what we needed. Somehow, someway, I missed the meaning of the lesson (sorry mom and dad!). I have recently realized that this is a lesson that I sorely needed to learn.

I want to give my children everything I had growing up and also many of the things I didn’t have. It is most parents’ wish to give their children more than we had; it is human nature to want more for our kids. What I have come to realize, now, is that it is not possible for me to give my kids more than I had, nor can I give them as much as I had. I can give them what they need, but not necessarily what they want. I can give them a safe and loving place to live, I can put healthy food on the table (most of the time), I can clothe them and give them the education they deserve. I cannot give them a home with both of their natural parents. I cannot give them designer clothing or big dinners at restaurants. I can’t give them the latest toys or electronic gadgets. I can’t give them the new puppy or kitten they want, or a big house with a yard to play in. It hurts that I can’t give them these things, I want very much for them to have everything they desire. It is a harsh lesson for me, and for them.

I am lucky enough to have met some people who have shown me what it means to live within your means. These friends have shown me that if there is something you really, really want or want to do, then instead of plopping down a credit card and trying to pay for it later, you save for it and you wait for it. What I have found, is that it actually means more when you get it than it would if you got it the moment you wanted it. I have also found that there are times when once I can afford what I wanted, I find that I don’t want to spend the money on it because it is not really something that is necessary.

I am learning to delay gratification and how to teach my children to delay gratification (not an easy task). I now drive a car with a/c that is iffy at best. We live in a 3-bedroom apartment; 4 people and a large dog. We don’t go out to eat and if we do, it is McDonald’s or pizza (so much for healthy!). We buy our books at the used book store and sell some to them instead of keeping them (bye - bye home library). We go to the park instead of the mall and we save our pennies. It is a hard lesson to learn at my age, but I have some really excellent tutors (you know who you are).

So what CAN I give my kids? I can give them apples without the peel and sandwiches without the crust. I can give them board game tournaments on a Saturday night. I can give them marco polo in the pool and hide -n -go seek outside. I can give them museums and stargazing. I can give them a summer of “Mommy camp”. In short, I can give them me, and in return….I get something even more precious…I get wonderful memories!

Angels Among Us

It amazes me what good friends I have. It seems that every time I am ready to give up, my friends rally behind me and pick me up. How can I give up on anything when I have so many wonderful people behind me?

This divorce is taking much more time than I thought it would, but then again, we were married for 12 years, so I guess one year is not too much to bear in order to dissolve it. It is much harder than I thought it would be. I used to say that it was too easy for people to get divorced, so when things didn't work out, no one bothered to work on it - they just filed. I take it all back! Getting a divorce is one of the hardest things anyone ever has to endure. Not just the time component, but the gut wrenching emotions that come with it.

A divorce is not just the dissolution of a marriage, it is taking a life that you have built together and separating it forever. If there are kids involved it is even harder. I wish I could just walk away with what I came into this with, but I have kids to support. I have to put a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their stomachs and that costs money. So why don't I go to work? Good question! I would love to, but right now it is not possible...unless someone wants to watch my kids this summer for free???? (just kidding)

I want to go back to work, but there are daycare costs, before and after school costs, summer camp costs...yes, I know other people do it, but I just can't seem to find the way to make it work right now. That doesn't mean I am going to give up on looking, just that I am still working on it. When the hiring freeze is lifted for teachers, that will clear the way, but for now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are times I feel I am being squeezed in that space so hard that my body is just going to dissolve into a pile of dust. It is at one of these times that one of the amazing people I am lucky enough to have in my life will do something so completely unexpected and giving; whether it is offering to move in with us and help with the kids and the rent, a gift card for groceries, coupons to take the kids out to eat or just a shoulder to cry on.

I don't know what I did in some other life to deserve these people, but I am glad that I did whatever it was that I must have done. I can't thank you enough, my friends, for all of your support and help. I hope you never find yourself in this kind of situation, but if you ever do...know that I will be there for you without hesitation! There truly are angels among us!

To Forgive or Forget

I just saw a profile online that says "The best revenge is to smile, be happy and never let them know they hurt you". So the question is...do you strive to hide the hurt or to get over it? Forgiveness can be very hard to come by and sometimes it is even harder to give. How magnanimous can you be when your heart has been ripped out? It is one thing to forgive a child for a mistake, it is harder to forgive an adult, whether it was a mistake or done on purpose.

I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart, I truly have. A friend of mine told me that until I can forgive, I will not truly be able to move on. It is good advice, but where do you find that forgiveness? Not only for other people, but for the mistakes you make yourself. Nobody is faultless when it comes to a divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage work, it also takes two people to destroy one. One person may seem more at fault, but in truth, it does take two making mistake after mistake before you get to that point where it is just not salvageable anymore. Once you reach that point, it is time for soul searching. I have done a lot of soul searching in my life, but this is the farthest I have ever had to reach into my own soul.

Divorce feels like your heart and soul are being ripped apart. In a way, they are. You and your spouse have been one for the duration of the marriage, so it is like pulling away from a part of yourself. Finding a new balance on your own is hard, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far. I am making some mistakes, but I know it will only get better as time goes on.

Some day I hope I will find forgiveness in my heart, even though I will never forget. In the meantime, I am learning to lean on my friends for support. Having wonderful friends helps a lot, but I have to learn to handle things on my own and support myself. So to my wonderful friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support as I learn to stand on my own two feet.

From Preschool to Preteen

Someone told us when our daughter was born that when you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis, when you have a girl, you have to worry about ALL the penises. At the time, I just thought it was funny, but now that we are on the cusp of the teen age years…well, let’s just say it’s not so funny anymore!

I still remember being a teenager (I know my daughter will never believe that, it was “like ages ago”). I remember thinking that I was pulling things over on my parents, that my secrets were safe with my friends. I remember thinking that I hated my parents and that they hated me. I remember feeling like my brother was the favorite and I was the leftover. All the emotional turmoil is etched into my brain and my heart and I can bring up those feelings any time and relive the insecurity and the depression and the embarrassment that I felt as a teen. So I sympathize with my child, I really do….but I also sympathize with my mother and to her I offer a very heartfelt apology for all the pain I caused her and all the nights she worried while I was out having fun. If my mom ever wished a child like me on me, well, her wish came true; my daughter is me to a T.

My little girl is growing up faster than I can blink. Sometimes when I look at her I can still see the little girl in pigtails racing up to me and throwing her arms in the air to be picked up. Then I blink and look again and there is this beautiful young woman emerging.
We had “the talk” already. Then we had the “other talk”. For those of you who are unaware of what the “other talk” is, it is the one where I tell her that no matter what she does or what she says, there is nothing she can do or say to ever make me stop loving her. That there is going to come a time when she thinks that she hates me and that I hate her and that all of my brains have somehow fallen out of my head. I told her that when that time comes, there is only one thing I need her to remember. So she of course rolled her eyes and gave me a very surly “what?” My answer: “Just remember that I love you.” That’s it. Three words…no matter what you are feeling and what you are thinking: I LOVE YOU, my little girl. I miss the little girl you were, but I can’t wait to know the young woman who is emerging!

The Road Less Traveled

The road less traveled….the poem by Robert Frost has always been my favorite. I once swore that I would live my life that way, take the road less traveled…be independent, do it MY way, not care what others thought or said or did. I have to say I am very disappointed in myself, because I did just the opposite.

All my life I have done what I was told, what was expected of me…until recently. I realized that the only way to be me was to listen to my inner self, and do what I thought was right. Take the road I thought I should be on, not the one that others told me was the one I should be on. I want to raise my children this way; to be independent thinkers. I want them to trust themselves enough to believe in what they feel and think, to know that they are right and have confidence in their decisions. So now I have a new vow…to live my life according to MY terms and set a good example for my kids. I am going to have confidence in MY decisions and MY thoughts and MY path, so that my kids will have confidence in theirs. I read somewhere (actually in a lot of places) that children learn what they live, they watch and they learn what they see. I want my children to see that listening to your inner self is important; that being true to yourself is what your life should be about.

There is nothing wrong with asking advice; no man is an island, right? But the decisions should be made by listening to your inner thoughts and feelings. Instinct is a valuable tool; so is your conscience. That inner voice that tells you what you should do…there is a reason that it is there. In order to be true to who you are, you have to KNOW who you are; you have to listen to yourself, and act on what you know is right for you. Life is too short and too precious to waste. I don’t want to waste any more time doing what everyone else thinks I should do or being who everyone else thinks I am. I am me and I am proud of who I am. Let’s say that one again…I am me and I am proud of who I am. If that sounds like an affirmation, then so be it. I am going to take the road less traveled and do it my way.

I met a very dynamic woman this week who is the epitome of this. She is a single mother of 7 and when she had a life altering crisis, she decided that instead of lying down and dying (as she was told she was going to do in 9 months) she would pick herself up and live life on her own terms. Jamillah, I would be proud to call you my friend! It is impossible to be down around Jamillah, she is full of life and positive energy. The energy flows out of her and enters into everyone around her. When I began to talk to her, I was not in a good place, I was stressed out and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my life and the choices I was making. After talking for a few minutes, I felt empowered and positive. She takes what life has given her and turns it around to be what she wants it to be. Everyone comes into your life for a reason; Jamillah came into mine to show me what I can be. Now is not the time to lie down and do as I am told I am supposed to do. I am recreating myself and my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to live up to my responsibilities, it just means that I have choices as to how I do that.

From the Inside Out

“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes." Sally Field

For most of my life, I have lived by others’ rules; what my parents told me to do, what society told me was right, what my husband wanted me to do…I am learning now to live my life from the inside out and not the outside in. I am learning to follow my own compass. What I am trying to say is, I have certain ideas as to how the world works, but I never listened to my own ideas, I always confirmed what I was thinking with other people and adopted their points of view as my own. I did not trust my own thoughts and opinions. Some say this is an inherent quality, while others think it is a learned behavior. I tend to side with the learned behavior point of view. It has to do with a lack of self-confidence. The question is…how does one come to lack self-confidence?

Is it nature, or is it nurture? I can only give my opinion on this, I am no psychologist or therapist, but I believe it is nurture. That is not to say it is my parents’ fault, I’m not saying that at all…it is my absorption of what society, friends and family have said in the past…and not all was said about ME, it was just passing comments on other people and other situations that I inducted into my way of thinking. Every negative comment about someone became internalized and turned into a fault in myself…well, not EVERY negative comment, just the ones I thought applied.

I remember going to a ballet school with my grandmother when I was young…she wanted to enroll me, but the owner looked at me and said I was too heavy (I don’t recall how heavy I was, but I was never THAT heavy as a child). I internalized that and magnified it to the point that I could not look in the mirror without seeing every ounce of unwanted flesh. This then became a cycle of hating how I looked and then eating junk to get the high the endorphins would release so that I could feel better for a little while…and then when the sugar drop would come, I would hate myself more for what I ate and the cycle would begin again. Had I looked at the woman and said to myself “That’s only YOUR opinion, that doesn’t mean that I really AM too heavy… I have a mirror, you know!” then maybe I wouldn’t have the body image issues I have…but who’s to say that that one incident was the only one that contributed? I’m sure there were plenty more, this is just the one that stands out in my memory the most.

There are so many issues that I could discuss here about positive and negative self talk, I could probably fill a book…but I won’t! The point is, if I want to live a happy and fulfilled life, I have to start listening to my inner self and stop listening to all the outer input from friends, family and even strangers (well meaning as they may be). I have to learn to trust my own thoughts and feelings, which is something I am just not used to doing. I am making my own decisions now and they affect my life and my children’s lives. I have to learn to look to myself for decisions and trust that the ones that I make are right…and if they are not, that they will not do much damage and will be a learning experience. I need to rebuild myself to outwardly be the person I know I am on the inside. I take a step in that direction every day…I know it will be a long journey, but as I do it, I know I am setting a good example for my kids and I hope that it will help them to be stronger than I have been in the past!