It amazes me what good friends I have. It seems that every time I am ready to give up, my friends rally behind me and pick me up. How can I give up on anything when I have so many wonderful people behind me?
This divorce is taking much more time than I thought it would, but then again, we were married for 12 years, so I guess one year is not too much to bear in order to dissolve it. It is much harder than I thought it would be. I used to say that it was too easy for people to get divorced, so when things didn't work out, no one bothered to work on it - they just filed. I take it all back! Getting a divorce is one of the hardest things anyone ever has to endure. Not just the time component, but the gut wrenching emotions that come with it.
A divorce is not just the dissolution of a marriage, it is taking a life that you have built together and separating it forever. If there are kids involved it is even harder. I wish I could just walk away with what I came into this with, but I have kids to support. I have to put a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their stomachs and that costs money. So why don't I go to work? Good question! I would love to, but right now it is not possible...unless someone wants to watch my kids this summer for free???? (just kidding)
I want to go back to work, but there are daycare costs, before and after school costs, summer camp costs...yes, I know other people do it, but I just can't seem to find the way to make it work right now. That doesn't mean I am going to give up on looking, just that I am still working on it. When the hiring freeze is lifted for teachers, that will clear the way, but for now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are times I feel I am being squeezed in that space so hard that my body is just going to dissolve into a pile of dust. It is at one of these times that one of the amazing people I am lucky enough to have in my life will do something so completely unexpected and giving; whether it is offering to move in with us and help with the kids and the rent, a gift card for groceries, coupons to take the kids out to eat or just a shoulder to cry on.
I don't know what I did in some other life to deserve these people, but I am glad that I did whatever it was that I must have done. I can't thank you enough, my friends, for all of your support and help. I hope you never find yourself in this kind of situation, but if you ever do...know that I will be there for you without hesitation! There truly are angels among us!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
To Forgive or Forget
I just saw a profile online that says "The best revenge is to smile, be happy and never let them know they hurt you". So the question is...do you strive to hide the hurt or to get over it? Forgiveness can be very hard to come by and sometimes it is even harder to give. How magnanimous can you be when your heart has been ripped out? It is one thing to forgive a child for a mistake, it is harder to forgive an adult, whether it was a mistake or done on purpose.
I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart, I truly have. A friend of mine told me that until I can forgive, I will not truly be able to move on. It is good advice, but where do you find that forgiveness? Not only for other people, but for the mistakes you make yourself. Nobody is faultless when it comes to a divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage work, it also takes two people to destroy one. One person may seem more at fault, but in truth, it does take two making mistake after mistake before you get to that point where it is just not salvageable anymore. Once you reach that point, it is time for soul searching. I have done a lot of soul searching in my life, but this is the farthest I have ever had to reach into my own soul.
Divorce feels like your heart and soul are being ripped apart. In a way, they are. You and your spouse have been one for the duration of the marriage, so it is like pulling away from a part of yourself. Finding a new balance on your own is hard, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far. I am making some mistakes, but I know it will only get better as time goes on.
Some day I hope I will find forgiveness in my heart, even though I will never forget. In the meantime, I am learning to lean on my friends for support. Having wonderful friends helps a lot, but I have to learn to handle things on my own and support myself. So to my wonderful friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support as I learn to stand on my own two feet.
I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart, I truly have. A friend of mine told me that until I can forgive, I will not truly be able to move on. It is good advice, but where do you find that forgiveness? Not only for other people, but for the mistakes you make yourself. Nobody is faultless when it comes to a divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage work, it also takes two people to destroy one. One person may seem more at fault, but in truth, it does take two making mistake after mistake before you get to that point where it is just not salvageable anymore. Once you reach that point, it is time for soul searching. I have done a lot of soul searching in my life, but this is the farthest I have ever had to reach into my own soul.
Divorce feels like your heart and soul are being ripped apart. In a way, they are. You and your spouse have been one for the duration of the marriage, so it is like pulling away from a part of yourself. Finding a new balance on your own is hard, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far. I am making some mistakes, but I know it will only get better as time goes on.
Some day I hope I will find forgiveness in my heart, even though I will never forget. In the meantime, I am learning to lean on my friends for support. Having wonderful friends helps a lot, but I have to learn to handle things on my own and support myself. So to my wonderful friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support as I learn to stand on my own two feet.
Monday, April 12, 2010
From Preschool to Preteen
Someone told us when our daughter was born that when you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis, when you have a girl, you have to worry about ALL the penises. At the time, I just thought it was funny, but now that we are on the cusp of the teen age years…well, let’s just say it’s not so funny anymore!
I still remember being a teenager (I know my daughter will never believe that, it was “like ages ago”). I remember thinking that I was pulling things over on my parents, that my secrets were safe with my friends. I remember thinking that I hated my parents and that they hated me. I remember feeling like my brother was the favorite and I was the leftover. All the emotional turmoil is etched into my brain and my heart and I can bring up those feelings any time and relive the insecurity and the depression and the embarrassment that I felt as a teen. So I sympathize with my child, I really do….but I also sympathize with my mother and to her I offer a very heartfelt apology for all the pain I caused her and all the nights she worried while I was out having fun. If my mom ever wished a child like me on me, well, her wish came true; my daughter is me to a T.
My little girl is growing up faster than I can blink. Sometimes when I look at her I can still see the little girl in pigtails racing up to me and throwing her arms in the air to be picked up. Then I blink and look again and there is this beautiful young woman emerging.
We had “the talk” already. Then we had the “other talk”. For those of you who are unaware of what the “other talk” is, it is the one where I tell her that no matter what she does or what she says, there is nothing she can do or say to ever make me stop loving her. That there is going to come a time when she thinks that she hates me and that I hate her and that all of my brains have somehow fallen out of my head. I told her that when that time comes, there is only one thing I need her to remember. So she of course rolled her eyes and gave me a very surly “what?” My answer: “Just remember that I love you.” That’s it. Three words…no matter what you are feeling and what you are thinking: I LOVE YOU, my little girl. I miss the little girl you were, but I can’t wait to know the young woman who is emerging!
I still remember being a teenager (I know my daughter will never believe that, it was “like ages ago”). I remember thinking that I was pulling things over on my parents, that my secrets were safe with my friends. I remember thinking that I hated my parents and that they hated me. I remember feeling like my brother was the favorite and I was the leftover. All the emotional turmoil is etched into my brain and my heart and I can bring up those feelings any time and relive the insecurity and the depression and the embarrassment that I felt as a teen. So I sympathize with my child, I really do….but I also sympathize with my mother and to her I offer a very heartfelt apology for all the pain I caused her and all the nights she worried while I was out having fun. If my mom ever wished a child like me on me, well, her wish came true; my daughter is me to a T.
My little girl is growing up faster than I can blink. Sometimes when I look at her I can still see the little girl in pigtails racing up to me and throwing her arms in the air to be picked up. Then I blink and look again and there is this beautiful young woman emerging.
We had “the talk” already. Then we had the “other talk”. For those of you who are unaware of what the “other talk” is, it is the one where I tell her that no matter what she does or what she says, there is nothing she can do or say to ever make me stop loving her. That there is going to come a time when she thinks that she hates me and that I hate her and that all of my brains have somehow fallen out of my head. I told her that when that time comes, there is only one thing I need her to remember. So she of course rolled her eyes and gave me a very surly “what?” My answer: “Just remember that I love you.” That’s it. Three words…no matter what you are feeling and what you are thinking: I LOVE YOU, my little girl. I miss the little girl you were, but I can’t wait to know the young woman who is emerging!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The Road Less Traveled
The road less traveled….the poem by Robert Frost has always been my favorite. I once swore that I would live my life that way, take the road less traveled…be independent, do it MY way, not care what others thought or said or did. I have to say I am very disappointed in myself, because I did just the opposite.
All my life I have done what I was told, what was expected of me…until recently. I realized that the only way to be me was to listen to my inner self, and do what I thought was right. Take the road I thought I should be on, not the one that others told me was the one I should be on. I want to raise my children this way; to be independent thinkers. I want them to trust themselves enough to believe in what they feel and think, to know that they are right and have confidence in their decisions. So now I have a new vow…to live my life according to MY terms and set a good example for my kids. I am going to have confidence in MY decisions and MY thoughts and MY path, so that my kids will have confidence in theirs. I read somewhere (actually in a lot of places) that children learn what they live, they watch and they learn what they see. I want my children to see that listening to your inner self is important; that being true to yourself is what your life should be about.
There is nothing wrong with asking advice; no man is an island, right? But the decisions should be made by listening to your inner thoughts and feelings. Instinct is a valuable tool; so is your conscience. That inner voice that tells you what you should do…there is a reason that it is there. In order to be true to who you are, you have to KNOW who you are; you have to listen to yourself, and act on what you know is right for you. Life is too short and too precious to waste. I don’t want to waste any more time doing what everyone else thinks I should do or being who everyone else thinks I am. I am me and I am proud of who I am. Let’s say that one again…I am me and I am proud of who I am. If that sounds like an affirmation, then so be it. I am going to take the road less traveled and do it my way.
I met a very dynamic woman this week who is the epitome of this. She is a single mother of 7 and when she had a life altering crisis, she decided that instead of lying down and dying (as she was told she was going to do in 9 months) she would pick herself up and live life on her own terms. Jamillah, I would be proud to call you my friend! It is impossible to be down around Jamillah, she is full of life and positive energy. The energy flows out of her and enters into everyone around her. When I began to talk to her, I was not in a good place, I was stressed out and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my life and the choices I was making. After talking for a few minutes, I felt empowered and positive. She takes what life has given her and turns it around to be what she wants it to be. Everyone comes into your life for a reason; Jamillah came into mine to show me what I can be. Now is not the time to lie down and do as I am told I am supposed to do. I am recreating myself and my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to live up to my responsibilities, it just means that I have choices as to how I do that.
All my life I have done what I was told, what was expected of me…until recently. I realized that the only way to be me was to listen to my inner self, and do what I thought was right. Take the road I thought I should be on, not the one that others told me was the one I should be on. I want to raise my children this way; to be independent thinkers. I want them to trust themselves enough to believe in what they feel and think, to know that they are right and have confidence in their decisions. So now I have a new vow…to live my life according to MY terms and set a good example for my kids. I am going to have confidence in MY decisions and MY thoughts and MY path, so that my kids will have confidence in theirs. I read somewhere (actually in a lot of places) that children learn what they live, they watch and they learn what they see. I want my children to see that listening to your inner self is important; that being true to yourself is what your life should be about.
There is nothing wrong with asking advice; no man is an island, right? But the decisions should be made by listening to your inner thoughts and feelings. Instinct is a valuable tool; so is your conscience. That inner voice that tells you what you should do…there is a reason that it is there. In order to be true to who you are, you have to KNOW who you are; you have to listen to yourself, and act on what you know is right for you. Life is too short and too precious to waste. I don’t want to waste any more time doing what everyone else thinks I should do or being who everyone else thinks I am. I am me and I am proud of who I am. Let’s say that one again…I am me and I am proud of who I am. If that sounds like an affirmation, then so be it. I am going to take the road less traveled and do it my way.
I met a very dynamic woman this week who is the epitome of this. She is a single mother of 7 and when she had a life altering crisis, she decided that instead of lying down and dying (as she was told she was going to do in 9 months) she would pick herself up and live life on her own terms. Jamillah, I would be proud to call you my friend! It is impossible to be down around Jamillah, she is full of life and positive energy. The energy flows out of her and enters into everyone around her. When I began to talk to her, I was not in a good place, I was stressed out and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my life and the choices I was making. After talking for a few minutes, I felt empowered and positive. She takes what life has given her and turns it around to be what she wants it to be. Everyone comes into your life for a reason; Jamillah came into mine to show me what I can be. Now is not the time to lie down and do as I am told I am supposed to do. I am recreating myself and my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to live up to my responsibilities, it just means that I have choices as to how I do that.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
From the Inside Out
“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes." Sally Field
For most of my life, I have lived by others’ rules; what my parents told me to do, what society told me was right, what my husband wanted me to do…I am learning now to live my life from the inside out and not the outside in. I am learning to follow my own compass. What I am trying to say is, I have certain ideas as to how the world works, but I never listened to my own ideas, I always confirmed what I was thinking with other people and adopted their points of view as my own. I did not trust my own thoughts and opinions. Some say this is an inherent quality, while others think it is a learned behavior. I tend to side with the learned behavior point of view. It has to do with a lack of self-confidence. The question is…how does one come to lack self-confidence?
Is it nature, or is it nurture? I can only give my opinion on this, I am no psychologist or therapist, but I believe it is nurture. That is not to say it is my parents’ fault, I’m not saying that at all…it is my absorption of what society, friends and family have said in the past…and not all was said about ME, it was just passing comments on other people and other situations that I inducted into my way of thinking. Every negative comment about someone became internalized and turned into a fault in myself…well, not EVERY negative comment, just the ones I thought applied.
I remember going to a ballet school with my grandmother when I was young…she wanted to enroll me, but the owner looked at me and said I was too heavy (I don’t recall how heavy I was, but I was never THAT heavy as a child). I internalized that and magnified it to the point that I could not look in the mirror without seeing every ounce of unwanted flesh. This then became a cycle of hating how I looked and then eating junk to get the high the endorphins would release so that I could feel better for a little while…and then when the sugar drop would come, I would hate myself more for what I ate and the cycle would begin again. Had I looked at the woman and said to myself “That’s only YOUR opinion, that doesn’t mean that I really AM too heavy… I have a mirror, you know!” then maybe I wouldn’t have the body image issues I have…but who’s to say that that one incident was the only one that contributed? I’m sure there were plenty more, this is just the one that stands out in my memory the most.
There are so many issues that I could discuss here about positive and negative self talk, I could probably fill a book…but I won’t! The point is, if I want to live a happy and fulfilled life, I have to start listening to my inner self and stop listening to all the outer input from friends, family and even strangers (well meaning as they may be). I have to learn to trust my own thoughts and feelings, which is something I am just not used to doing. I am making my own decisions now and they affect my life and my children’s lives. I have to learn to look to myself for decisions and trust that the ones that I make are right…and if they are not, that they will not do much damage and will be a learning experience. I need to rebuild myself to outwardly be the person I know I am on the inside. I take a step in that direction every day…I know it will be a long journey, but as I do it, I know I am setting a good example for my kids and I hope that it will help them to be stronger than I have been in the past!
For most of my life, I have lived by others’ rules; what my parents told me to do, what society told me was right, what my husband wanted me to do…I am learning now to live my life from the inside out and not the outside in. I am learning to follow my own compass. What I am trying to say is, I have certain ideas as to how the world works, but I never listened to my own ideas, I always confirmed what I was thinking with other people and adopted their points of view as my own. I did not trust my own thoughts and opinions. Some say this is an inherent quality, while others think it is a learned behavior. I tend to side with the learned behavior point of view. It has to do with a lack of self-confidence. The question is…how does one come to lack self-confidence?
Is it nature, or is it nurture? I can only give my opinion on this, I am no psychologist or therapist, but I believe it is nurture. That is not to say it is my parents’ fault, I’m not saying that at all…it is my absorption of what society, friends and family have said in the past…and not all was said about ME, it was just passing comments on other people and other situations that I inducted into my way of thinking. Every negative comment about someone became internalized and turned into a fault in myself…well, not EVERY negative comment, just the ones I thought applied.
I remember going to a ballet school with my grandmother when I was young…she wanted to enroll me, but the owner looked at me and said I was too heavy (I don’t recall how heavy I was, but I was never THAT heavy as a child). I internalized that and magnified it to the point that I could not look in the mirror without seeing every ounce of unwanted flesh. This then became a cycle of hating how I looked and then eating junk to get the high the endorphins would release so that I could feel better for a little while…and then when the sugar drop would come, I would hate myself more for what I ate and the cycle would begin again. Had I looked at the woman and said to myself “That’s only YOUR opinion, that doesn’t mean that I really AM too heavy… I have a mirror, you know!” then maybe I wouldn’t have the body image issues I have…but who’s to say that that one incident was the only one that contributed? I’m sure there were plenty more, this is just the one that stands out in my memory the most.
There are so many issues that I could discuss here about positive and negative self talk, I could probably fill a book…but I won’t! The point is, if I want to live a happy and fulfilled life, I have to start listening to my inner self and stop listening to all the outer input from friends, family and even strangers (well meaning as they may be). I have to learn to trust my own thoughts and feelings, which is something I am just not used to doing. I am making my own decisions now and they affect my life and my children’s lives. I have to learn to look to myself for decisions and trust that the ones that I make are right…and if they are not, that they will not do much damage and will be a learning experience. I need to rebuild myself to outwardly be the person I know I am on the inside. I take a step in that direction every day…I know it will be a long journey, but as I do it, I know I am setting a good example for my kids and I hope that it will help them to be stronger than I have been in the past!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Dreams Vs. Reality
I have not posted anything in a while. I have been busy looking for work. I had a job I loved, but the economy hit it and there is just no work for me right now. I was going to write about something else (again) but circumstances have left me thinking about following a dream vs. responsibility, so I am following my thought pattern…
I dreamed of being a writer. It has been my dream since high school, one that I have ignored and put off for the sake of security and money. I had no confidence in my writing ability and until recently did not think much of what I wrote. I never showed my writing to many people because I was afraid they would say I was just an “average” writer and I didn’t want to have my dream dashed. Within the last year, not only have I gained confidence, I have also started showing my work, sending my stories to publishers (nothing doing yet) and even working as a freelance writer…something I never dreamed was possible. I was living my dream and it was wonderful! I was able to supplement my support checks from my ex and give the kids what they needed. Here comes the responsibility part…the job is gone, for now. So now what do I do?
Do I continue trying to make a living as a writer, putting out proposals and scrounging for writing jobs? Writing articles and sending them out in the hope that a magazine will pick it up? It’s not as glamorous as I thought it would be, but then again, I thought I would be doing it with a firm foundation under me, that it would be a second income…I didn’t think I would be trying this as a single mother of 3 trying to make ends meet. The other choice is to go back to teaching, which I love but a field in which jobs are scarce right now.
I’m a good teacher, a creative teacher. I truly care for my students and do my best for them, just as I expect them to do their best for me. I can make a living and have security as a teacher…but should I give up on my dream of being a writer?
When does responsibility overtake passion? The only answer I have to that is – responsibility overtakes passion when reality hits you in the face; besides, who says you can't be passionate about more than one thing? Reality hits you when you have someone else depending on you and looking to you to be everything and supply everything for them. Dreams don’t die and they don’t fade if you don’t let them. There is a time to dream and a time to live in reality. This is my time to live in reality. If I can’t make a living as a writer right now, that only means that my timing is off, not that my dream is wrong. I can teach and still write and submit articles at the same time, but my priority must be my family. My time to try to make it as an author will come…right now; it’s my children’s time and they are my main priority. I'm looking forward to getting back into the classroom and teaching what I know about reading, writing and researching to my students. Who knows, maybe I will inspire a budding author or two!
So....anyone need a good elementary school teacher?
I dreamed of being a writer. It has been my dream since high school, one that I have ignored and put off for the sake of security and money. I had no confidence in my writing ability and until recently did not think much of what I wrote. I never showed my writing to many people because I was afraid they would say I was just an “average” writer and I didn’t want to have my dream dashed. Within the last year, not only have I gained confidence, I have also started showing my work, sending my stories to publishers (nothing doing yet) and even working as a freelance writer…something I never dreamed was possible. I was living my dream and it was wonderful! I was able to supplement my support checks from my ex and give the kids what they needed. Here comes the responsibility part…the job is gone, for now. So now what do I do?
Do I continue trying to make a living as a writer, putting out proposals and scrounging for writing jobs? Writing articles and sending them out in the hope that a magazine will pick it up? It’s not as glamorous as I thought it would be, but then again, I thought I would be doing it with a firm foundation under me, that it would be a second income…I didn’t think I would be trying this as a single mother of 3 trying to make ends meet. The other choice is to go back to teaching, which I love but a field in which jobs are scarce right now.
I’m a good teacher, a creative teacher. I truly care for my students and do my best for them, just as I expect them to do their best for me. I can make a living and have security as a teacher…but should I give up on my dream of being a writer?
When does responsibility overtake passion? The only answer I have to that is – responsibility overtakes passion when reality hits you in the face; besides, who says you can't be passionate about more than one thing? Reality hits you when you have someone else depending on you and looking to you to be everything and supply everything for them. Dreams don’t die and they don’t fade if you don’t let them. There is a time to dream and a time to live in reality. This is my time to live in reality. If I can’t make a living as a writer right now, that only means that my timing is off, not that my dream is wrong. I can teach and still write and submit articles at the same time, but my priority must be my family. My time to try to make it as an author will come…right now; it’s my children’s time and they are my main priority. I'm looking forward to getting back into the classroom and teaching what I know about reading, writing and researching to my students. Who knows, maybe I will inspire a budding author or two!
So....anyone need a good elementary school teacher?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Resolutions
I was going to write my next blog on living a truthful life and how hard that is when there are parts of your life that are private and just really don’t need to be shared…
I am putting that one off for a little bit because I saw something today that really burned me and got me thinking. On a magazine for new mothers was the headline “Resolve to be a better YOU”. Can you believe that?? It’s hard enough being a new mom or an old one for that matter without some magazine telling you that you can be better! How do they know what kind of mom you are anyway? And isn’t doing your best at being a mom what counts? I would like to know who the judge is of how good a mom you are or how good a person you are. Who says what is better? No, I did not deign to read the article. I have been working way too hard on liking myself for who I am and the way I am to sabotage it with some idiot article written by someone who probably doesn’t even have one kid, let alone three! So here is what I resolve to do: I resolve to listen to my inner self and to learn to like myself for who I am inside and not worry so much about the outside and what other people think. One thing I have learned from this fiasco…you can’t be everything to everybody, but you can be everything to yourself!
I am putting that one off for a little bit because I saw something today that really burned me and got me thinking. On a magazine for new mothers was the headline “Resolve to be a better YOU”. Can you believe that?? It’s hard enough being a new mom or an old one for that matter without some magazine telling you that you can be better! How do they know what kind of mom you are anyway? And isn’t doing your best at being a mom what counts? I would like to know who the judge is of how good a mom you are or how good a person you are. Who says what is better? No, I did not deign to read the article. I have been working way too hard on liking myself for who I am and the way I am to sabotage it with some idiot article written by someone who probably doesn’t even have one kid, let alone three! So here is what I resolve to do: I resolve to listen to my inner self and to learn to like myself for who I am inside and not worry so much about the outside and what other people think. One thing I have learned from this fiasco…you can’t be everything to everybody, but you can be everything to yourself!
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