“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes." Sally Field
For most of my life, I have lived by others’ rules; what my parents told me to do, what society told me was right, what my husband wanted me to do…I am learning now to live my life from the inside out and not the outside in. I am learning to follow my own compass. What I am trying to say is, I have certain ideas as to how the world works, but I never listened to my own ideas, I always confirmed what I was thinking with other people and adopted their points of view as my own. I did not trust my own thoughts and opinions. Some say this is an inherent quality, while others think it is a learned behavior. I tend to side with the learned behavior point of view. It has to do with a lack of self-confidence. The question is…how does one come to lack self-confidence?
Is it nature, or is it nurture? I can only give my opinion on this, I am no psychologist or therapist, but I believe it is nurture. That is not to say it is my parents’ fault, I’m not saying that at all…it is my absorption of what society, friends and family have said in the past…and not all was said about ME, it was just passing comments on other people and other situations that I inducted into my way of thinking. Every negative comment about someone became internalized and turned into a fault in myself…well, not EVERY negative comment, just the ones I thought applied.
I remember going to a ballet school with my grandmother when I was young…she wanted to enroll me, but the owner looked at me and said I was too heavy (I don’t recall how heavy I was, but I was never THAT heavy as a child). I internalized that and magnified it to the point that I could not look in the mirror without seeing every ounce of unwanted flesh. This then became a cycle of hating how I looked and then eating junk to get the high the endorphins would release so that I could feel better for a little while…and then when the sugar drop would come, I would hate myself more for what I ate and the cycle would begin again. Had I looked at the woman and said to myself “That’s only YOUR opinion, that doesn’t mean that I really AM too heavy… I have a mirror, you know!” then maybe I wouldn’t have the body image issues I have…but who’s to say that that one incident was the only one that contributed? I’m sure there were plenty more, this is just the one that stands out in my memory the most.
There are so many issues that I could discuss here about positive and negative self talk, I could probably fill a book…but I won’t! The point is, if I want to live a happy and fulfilled life, I have to start listening to my inner self and stop listening to all the outer input from friends, family and even strangers (well meaning as they may be). I have to learn to trust my own thoughts and feelings, which is something I am just not used to doing. I am making my own decisions now and they affect my life and my children’s lives. I have to learn to look to myself for decisions and trust that the ones that I make are right…and if they are not, that they will not do much damage and will be a learning experience. I need to rebuild myself to outwardly be the person I know I am on the inside. I take a step in that direction every day…I know it will be a long journey, but as I do it, I know I am setting a good example for my kids and I hope that it will help them to be stronger than I have been in the past!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Dreams Vs. Reality
I have not posted anything in a while. I have been busy looking for work. I had a job I loved, but the economy hit it and there is just no work for me right now. I was going to write about something else (again) but circumstances have left me thinking about following a dream vs. responsibility, so I am following my thought pattern…
I dreamed of being a writer. It has been my dream since high school, one that I have ignored and put off for the sake of security and money. I had no confidence in my writing ability and until recently did not think much of what I wrote. I never showed my writing to many people because I was afraid they would say I was just an “average” writer and I didn’t want to have my dream dashed. Within the last year, not only have I gained confidence, I have also started showing my work, sending my stories to publishers (nothing doing yet) and even working as a freelance writer…something I never dreamed was possible. I was living my dream and it was wonderful! I was able to supplement my support checks from my ex and give the kids what they needed. Here comes the responsibility part…the job is gone, for now. So now what do I do?
Do I continue trying to make a living as a writer, putting out proposals and scrounging for writing jobs? Writing articles and sending them out in the hope that a magazine will pick it up? It’s not as glamorous as I thought it would be, but then again, I thought I would be doing it with a firm foundation under me, that it would be a second income…I didn’t think I would be trying this as a single mother of 3 trying to make ends meet. The other choice is to go back to teaching, which I love but a field in which jobs are scarce right now.
I’m a good teacher, a creative teacher. I truly care for my students and do my best for them, just as I expect them to do their best for me. I can make a living and have security as a teacher…but should I give up on my dream of being a writer?
When does responsibility overtake passion? The only answer I have to that is – responsibility overtakes passion when reality hits you in the face; besides, who says you can't be passionate about more than one thing? Reality hits you when you have someone else depending on you and looking to you to be everything and supply everything for them. Dreams don’t die and they don’t fade if you don’t let them. There is a time to dream and a time to live in reality. This is my time to live in reality. If I can’t make a living as a writer right now, that only means that my timing is off, not that my dream is wrong. I can teach and still write and submit articles at the same time, but my priority must be my family. My time to try to make it as an author will come…right now; it’s my children’s time and they are my main priority. I'm looking forward to getting back into the classroom and teaching what I know about reading, writing and researching to my students. Who knows, maybe I will inspire a budding author or two!
So....anyone need a good elementary school teacher?
I dreamed of being a writer. It has been my dream since high school, one that I have ignored and put off for the sake of security and money. I had no confidence in my writing ability and until recently did not think much of what I wrote. I never showed my writing to many people because I was afraid they would say I was just an “average” writer and I didn’t want to have my dream dashed. Within the last year, not only have I gained confidence, I have also started showing my work, sending my stories to publishers (nothing doing yet) and even working as a freelance writer…something I never dreamed was possible. I was living my dream and it was wonderful! I was able to supplement my support checks from my ex and give the kids what they needed. Here comes the responsibility part…the job is gone, for now. So now what do I do?
Do I continue trying to make a living as a writer, putting out proposals and scrounging for writing jobs? Writing articles and sending them out in the hope that a magazine will pick it up? It’s not as glamorous as I thought it would be, but then again, I thought I would be doing it with a firm foundation under me, that it would be a second income…I didn’t think I would be trying this as a single mother of 3 trying to make ends meet. The other choice is to go back to teaching, which I love but a field in which jobs are scarce right now.
I’m a good teacher, a creative teacher. I truly care for my students and do my best for them, just as I expect them to do their best for me. I can make a living and have security as a teacher…but should I give up on my dream of being a writer?
When does responsibility overtake passion? The only answer I have to that is – responsibility overtakes passion when reality hits you in the face; besides, who says you can't be passionate about more than one thing? Reality hits you when you have someone else depending on you and looking to you to be everything and supply everything for them. Dreams don’t die and they don’t fade if you don’t let them. There is a time to dream and a time to live in reality. This is my time to live in reality. If I can’t make a living as a writer right now, that only means that my timing is off, not that my dream is wrong. I can teach and still write and submit articles at the same time, but my priority must be my family. My time to try to make it as an author will come…right now; it’s my children’s time and they are my main priority. I'm looking forward to getting back into the classroom and teaching what I know about reading, writing and researching to my students. Who knows, maybe I will inspire a budding author or two!
So....anyone need a good elementary school teacher?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Resolutions
I was going to write my next blog on living a truthful life and how hard that is when there are parts of your life that are private and just really don’t need to be shared…
I am putting that one off for a little bit because I saw something today that really burned me and got me thinking. On a magazine for new mothers was the headline “Resolve to be a better YOU”. Can you believe that?? It’s hard enough being a new mom or an old one for that matter without some magazine telling you that you can be better! How do they know what kind of mom you are anyway? And isn’t doing your best at being a mom what counts? I would like to know who the judge is of how good a mom you are or how good a person you are. Who says what is better? No, I did not deign to read the article. I have been working way too hard on liking myself for who I am and the way I am to sabotage it with some idiot article written by someone who probably doesn’t even have one kid, let alone three! So here is what I resolve to do: I resolve to listen to my inner self and to learn to like myself for who I am inside and not worry so much about the outside and what other people think. One thing I have learned from this fiasco…you can’t be everything to everybody, but you can be everything to yourself!
I am putting that one off for a little bit because I saw something today that really burned me and got me thinking. On a magazine for new mothers was the headline “Resolve to be a better YOU”. Can you believe that?? It’s hard enough being a new mom or an old one for that matter without some magazine telling you that you can be better! How do they know what kind of mom you are anyway? And isn’t doing your best at being a mom what counts? I would like to know who the judge is of how good a mom you are or how good a person you are. Who says what is better? No, I did not deign to read the article. I have been working way too hard on liking myself for who I am and the way I am to sabotage it with some idiot article written by someone who probably doesn’t even have one kid, let alone three! So here is what I resolve to do: I resolve to listen to my inner self and to learn to like myself for who I am inside and not worry so much about the outside and what other people think. One thing I have learned from this fiasco…you can’t be everything to everybody, but you can be everything to yourself!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Being More
So, I’m getting a divorce. Everyone asks me the same question: why? I could lay the blame on my ex, but that wouldn’t be very fair. It’s not ALL his fault. I have to take responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. My kids want to know why. We told them that sometimes people just grow apart. It’s true; sometimes husbands and wives just grow apart. We, as moms, try to be everything to everybody, but we tend to forget one very important person - OURSELVES. We tend to grow apart from ourselves. We wake up one day and look in the mirror and wonder, “who is that person staring back at me?” that person with the wrinkled clothing and the dark circles under her eyes? Who is that person with the extra weight from the baby that she has never had the time or energy to lose… and doesn’t really care anymore if she does or not?
We look at that person and think “Is this it? This is who I am?” Then we rebel, “no, this is NOT who I am, this is not ALL I am!” I once had a great aunt say to me “You must be so happy, you got everything you ever wanted…you always wanted to be a mom, and now you are!” I didn’t understand my reaction then…I got depressed…very depressed. Now I know the reason. Yes, I always wanted to be a mom; and I wouldn’t trade my kids or the experience for anything, but I wanted more…I always wanted more for myself. I wanted to make something of myself, not just so my kids would be proud, but because there was more to me than just being someone’s mom or someone’s wife
. So this is what my blog will be about…being more. Not losing touch with who I am, who I want to be. It’s not going to be about my divorce, that is private, between my soon to be ex-husband and me. This is just going to be about me, the mistakes I made and what I can do about them now. I am about to turn 44 years old and I am embarking on a new chapter in my life. I am turning the page and looking to the future, putting the past to rest. So here I go….
We look at that person and think “Is this it? This is who I am?” Then we rebel, “no, this is NOT who I am, this is not ALL I am!” I once had a great aunt say to me “You must be so happy, you got everything you ever wanted…you always wanted to be a mom, and now you are!” I didn’t understand my reaction then…I got depressed…very depressed. Now I know the reason. Yes, I always wanted to be a mom; and I wouldn’t trade my kids or the experience for anything, but I wanted more…I always wanted more for myself. I wanted to make something of myself, not just so my kids would be proud, but because there was more to me than just being someone’s mom or someone’s wife
. So this is what my blog will be about…being more. Not losing touch with who I am, who I want to be. It’s not going to be about my divorce, that is private, between my soon to be ex-husband and me. This is just going to be about me, the mistakes I made and what I can do about them now. I am about to turn 44 years old and I am embarking on a new chapter in my life. I am turning the page and looking to the future, putting the past to rest. So here I go….
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