Relationships suck. They just do. You put your heart on the line and take a chance that the person you give your heart to wants it and will treat it gently. It doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes you choose correctly and the other person wants your heart, but doesn’t know what to do with it. Sometimes you choose poorly and the person doesn’t want your heart at all. So how do you know when you have chosen wisely? You don’t. You find out, but sometimes finding out is the hardest part of all.
Case in point: I ran headlong into a relationship right after my separation. The guy was a great guy. He had a good heart and he wanted to make me happy; but I wasn’t ready for a relationship and it wasn’t really fair to get involved with someone when my heart hadn’t healed yet. I ended up hurting him. That’s not to say that it was my entire fault. He had some serious misconceptions about kids, about me and about himself. He had some seriously distorted views of what a relationship was and in the end, I think that was what really did us in. He was more interested in what he thought a relationship SHOULD be and less interested in finding out how to integrate into each other’s lives. He didn’t spend the time getting to know who I was and what I wanted and he didn’t let me get close enough to who he really was and what he really wanted. I’d say that pretty much doomed us.
So I moved on…and right into another situation I wasn’t ready for. This time, the guy wasn’t ready either; but I couldn’t see that. It was my turn to be the one who was forging ahead into something that didn’t really exist. I looked at this man and saw a lot of the qualities I wanted in a partner and then what he didn’t actually have, I attributed to him anyway. I made him into my dream man instead of viewing him as whom he actually was. I did the same thing to him that had been done to me. All my life I have always let others define me and here I was defining someone else…and falsely at that. Yes, he was a lot of what I wanted, but he was also probably the worst communicator I have ever met and anyone who knows me knows how much I value communication. Every issue we had can be traced to my misconceptions and his lack of communication. I tried to tell myself that it would change, but I realize now that it is just who he is and that if I can’t accept that part of him, then I have no business trying to be with him. It caused us both a lot of consternation and turmoil. I would get upset, he wouldn’t communicate and I would create drama to try to get him to communicate. In the end, we just stopped talking; it was too difficult for me and I think it was just too much trouble for him. It just wasn’t worth it.
In both cases, I think my heart was given to someone who wanted it, but just didn’t know what to do with it. If the timing had been better with the second one and he had been in a different place in his life, maybe we could have worked out the communication issue; but he wasn’t in the right place in his life and I wasn’t in a place to give him the patience and the time and room he needed to get to the right place.
I have friends who keep telling me that I need to give myself some time and some room to heal from my divorce; that I never really mourned the end of my marriage. They are partly right. It’s not my marriage ending that is holding me back from having a decent relationship. It’s the fact that I have always dealt with the end of a relationship by throwing myself whole-heartedly into a new relationship. I never give myself time to be alone and I have never learned to be OK being alone. There is always someone new on the horizon for me to give my heart to…because I just don’t know what to do with it myself.
Nobody CHOOSES to be alone; it’s not fun. Wanting to be with someone you care about and who cares about you is human nature. We all want to be loved and to love in return. The problem is when you haven’t loved yourself – then how can you expect someone else to love you? If you don’t know yourself – who you are intrinsically, what you want, what you don’t want, where you are going in your life – then you can’t expect someone else to know you.
I’m taking some time to figure these things out now. I’m not going to rush into another relationship to spare myself the pain of the last…not this time. It’s not fair to the person I get involved with and it’s not fair to me. I can’t complain that someone didn’t take the time to get to know me when I have never taken the time to get to know myself. I am going to give myself the one thing that I always say I want out of a relationship. I’m going to give myself attention and I’m going to get to know who I am on the inside. Once I have that straightened out will I be ready for a relationship? I honestly don’t know. But I DO know that until I do this work – I won’t be ready for a relationship if one happens to come along.
Paul and Lara – this is your official “you were right, I was wrong” blog post. Wish me luck that I can stick to my guns and pass up any opportunities that come along while I am doing this. I’ll keep you posted on my progress through my blog – this is what this blog was supposed to be when I started it; I guess it’s time to utilize it correctly. There is a lot of work to be done after divorce in order to get back on the track I want to be on. I’m taking the first step in the right direction…finally.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Isolated in my own tornado
I used to love the way my mind worked; the constant ideas and thoughts swirling around like a tornado, ready to burst out of my head at any time. Anytime I needed an idea, I would reach into the swirling mass and pluck one out and run with it. I needed to wait until I was really pressured in order to find what I needed, but it worked. I was writing; I was getting paid to write.
I love that I am different; I love making up stories and games for my kids on the spur of the moment. I love that my kids think I am “weird” and “silly” and that we have fun playing together, but lately, I’ve gotten tired of the whirlwind. I’ve needed more and more breaks from the chaos of my mind, the constant barrage of thoughts that I can’t control. I have lived with this tornado in my head all my life. I thought everyone’s mind was a mass of confusion and stories and pictures and ideas. I had no idea that it was possible to actually think nothing. I would ask people what they were thinking and they would say “nothing”. I didn’t understand that answer. How could you possibly have nothing in your head? I have so much in there that I have to exhaust myself in order to be able to fall asleep at night; otherwise I sit up all night with stories playing in my head, moving from one to another to another in an endless stream.
I would try all different ways to quiet my mind; I even tried to meditate, but it never worked for me. I tried all different approaches; my favorite one was: to empty your mind, picture every thought you have being put into a balloon and floating away. Yeah, my head got filled up with the most colorful balloons…thousands of them. I couldn’t help, at that point, making up a story about the sky filling with balloons and blocking out the sun- so much for quieting my mind.
When I became a mother, I couldn’t help but agonize over why the simplest tasks seemed so much more difficult for me than they were for my other mommy friends. After all, I knew women who had two or three kids and here I was with one perfect little angel and I couldn’t get dinner on the table, keep up with the laundry and get the house clean. I chalked it up to just hating the tasks and putting them off. I called it procrastination, others called it laziness. The more I looked around the world, the more I realized that I just wasn’t keeping up. When my third child came into the world, I decided to give up trying to keep up with the house and the laundry and just concentrated on keeping my kids safe, happy and fed. That worked for a while, but then when I became a single parent and went to work full time, that feeling of not being able to do what others seemed to do with ease came back. Why, why couldn’t I do what other women could do? Was there some trick that these other women knew, some secret that nobody had bothered to clue me in on? Yeah, there was.
I had heard of ADHD, who hadn’t? I had seen it first hand in some of my students, I was seeing signs of it in my daughter, but I couldn’t see it in myself. I had no idea that I was trying to swim upstream while everyone else (without ADHD) was swimming downstream. No wonder I was always fighting to keep up, I was constantly working against the current! When a friend told me she thought I had ADHD, I thought about it and the idea intrigued me. Could there actually be a reason why I was always panicking? Always falling behind? Why I did so poorly in school even though I supposedly had a decent IQ? Was I really not lazy???? The more I thought about it, the more I hoped that there really was an explanation of why I was the way I was….an explanation that didn’t start with “you” and end with “lazy”. My biggest fear was that the doctor would tell me that I didn’t have it and that I would be stuck the way I was for the rest of my life. It’s not that I enjoy taking medication, but if I could just keep up with everyone else….work all day, get a decent dinner into my kids, do the dishes…all the normal stuff that my friends were able to do without complete chaos reigning and without anyone dissolving into tears (usually me).
So off I went to the doctor. We talked for a bit about what ADHD was and how an ADHD brain functions differently than a brain without ADHD. He explained that people with ADHD have brains that are “insulated” from stimulation. That we seek input constantly because normal input doesn’t register, it doesn’t get through. It explained why I could never study when it was quiet, I needed the noise stimulation in order to focus and let the information actually reach my brain. Without a lot of stimulation, an ADHD brain doesn’t get the signals everyone else’s brain gets. We drift through life, not getting the signals we need to function like the rest of society. We seem “spacey”, “unmotivated”, “lazy”, “procrastinators”, all those lovely labels that I have heard all my life…the worst being “stupid”. It explained why I had to wait until I was in a panic to be able to write; I needed the adrenaline of the panic to stimulate my brain so that I could get my thoughts to line up in a way that made sense. It is actually a sensory processing disorder!
So the doctor prescribed Adderall for me. I have to admit, I was doubtful. I didn’t think I would see a difference, I couldn’t imagine my brain functioning in a different way. My friends would describe to me the way their brains worked, but it’s like trying to explain chocolate to an alien. If they have never seen it, smelled it, tasted it or even heard of it, there is just no way to fully explain the taste to them. So I took the pill right there in the pharmacy, expecting to experience absolutely nothing. I got in my car and started to drive home, the usual swirl of ideas, stories and thoughts in my head, spinning and swirling around in my own private tornado. By the time I got home, mind you this is just a few minutes later, I was in shock. The tornado had stopped. The ideas and thoughts and stories were all lined up in my head waiting their turn! I had never experienced anything like it. My first thought was: my mind is playing tricks on me. I want something to be different so badly that I am having a placebo effect! I went inside and started working and instead of flitting from one thing to another, never really completing a task, I was able to see exactly what I needed to do and actually complete each task. I was able to complete in 6-8 hours what I usually couldn’t complete in 24. I was able to remember what needed to be done and act on it. I’m not saying I don’t forget things anymore, I do…I’m human; but I don’t forget EVERYTHING anymore and I am able to write myself notes for when the fog rolls back in and the tornado starts swirling again, so that I can function for the rest of the day. I am able to stick with a task until it is complete and then move on to the next task. I have never, ever been able to do that…not even when I am reading a book. I start 4 or 5 books at once and am lucky if I complete one. I can sit in a quiet room and work without any external stimulation to keep me moving.
I used to hyperfocus when I had to write. I still tend to get lost in my writing, but I can stop and do something else and come back to it and pick up my train of thought now – I couldn’t do that before. I used to have to concentrate so hard on a conversation that I would watch the person’s mouth move to remind me that they were talking. It wasn’t that I was not interested in what they were saying; it was just that the tornado was trying to pull me into 10 other things at the same time. Now, when someone speaks to me, I can actually enjoy the conversation; and if I have something I want to add to the conversation, I don’t have to interrupt them and blurt it out before I lose my train of thought.
Adderall is not a miracle drug, but it definitely helps me to focus and do the everyday tasks that I need to do to function normally. I am happier now than I have ever been…my creativity is still there (yes, I was worried that I would lose my imagination) and I am able to handle my life…as much as any single mother of three who works full time can! I have patience now; I still like instant gratification, but in this day and age, who doesn’t? The difference is, I can wait when I have to and it doesn’t upset me the way it used to. My kids are happier now; Mommy has patience and is actually cooking dinner again. My son told me the other day that he likes “Medicine Mommy” much better than “silly, weird Mommy”. Out of the mouths of babes….
I love that I am different; I love making up stories and games for my kids on the spur of the moment. I love that my kids think I am “weird” and “silly” and that we have fun playing together, but lately, I’ve gotten tired of the whirlwind. I’ve needed more and more breaks from the chaos of my mind, the constant barrage of thoughts that I can’t control. I have lived with this tornado in my head all my life. I thought everyone’s mind was a mass of confusion and stories and pictures and ideas. I had no idea that it was possible to actually think nothing. I would ask people what they were thinking and they would say “nothing”. I didn’t understand that answer. How could you possibly have nothing in your head? I have so much in there that I have to exhaust myself in order to be able to fall asleep at night; otherwise I sit up all night with stories playing in my head, moving from one to another to another in an endless stream.
I would try all different ways to quiet my mind; I even tried to meditate, but it never worked for me. I tried all different approaches; my favorite one was: to empty your mind, picture every thought you have being put into a balloon and floating away. Yeah, my head got filled up with the most colorful balloons…thousands of them. I couldn’t help, at that point, making up a story about the sky filling with balloons and blocking out the sun- so much for quieting my mind.
When I became a mother, I couldn’t help but agonize over why the simplest tasks seemed so much more difficult for me than they were for my other mommy friends. After all, I knew women who had two or three kids and here I was with one perfect little angel and I couldn’t get dinner on the table, keep up with the laundry and get the house clean. I chalked it up to just hating the tasks and putting them off. I called it procrastination, others called it laziness. The more I looked around the world, the more I realized that I just wasn’t keeping up. When my third child came into the world, I decided to give up trying to keep up with the house and the laundry and just concentrated on keeping my kids safe, happy and fed. That worked for a while, but then when I became a single parent and went to work full time, that feeling of not being able to do what others seemed to do with ease came back. Why, why couldn’t I do what other women could do? Was there some trick that these other women knew, some secret that nobody had bothered to clue me in on? Yeah, there was.
I had heard of ADHD, who hadn’t? I had seen it first hand in some of my students, I was seeing signs of it in my daughter, but I couldn’t see it in myself. I had no idea that I was trying to swim upstream while everyone else (without ADHD) was swimming downstream. No wonder I was always fighting to keep up, I was constantly working against the current! When a friend told me she thought I had ADHD, I thought about it and the idea intrigued me. Could there actually be a reason why I was always panicking? Always falling behind? Why I did so poorly in school even though I supposedly had a decent IQ? Was I really not lazy???? The more I thought about it, the more I hoped that there really was an explanation of why I was the way I was….an explanation that didn’t start with “you” and end with “lazy”. My biggest fear was that the doctor would tell me that I didn’t have it and that I would be stuck the way I was for the rest of my life. It’s not that I enjoy taking medication, but if I could just keep up with everyone else….work all day, get a decent dinner into my kids, do the dishes…all the normal stuff that my friends were able to do without complete chaos reigning and without anyone dissolving into tears (usually me).
So off I went to the doctor. We talked for a bit about what ADHD was and how an ADHD brain functions differently than a brain without ADHD. He explained that people with ADHD have brains that are “insulated” from stimulation. That we seek input constantly because normal input doesn’t register, it doesn’t get through. It explained why I could never study when it was quiet, I needed the noise stimulation in order to focus and let the information actually reach my brain. Without a lot of stimulation, an ADHD brain doesn’t get the signals everyone else’s brain gets. We drift through life, not getting the signals we need to function like the rest of society. We seem “spacey”, “unmotivated”, “lazy”, “procrastinators”, all those lovely labels that I have heard all my life…the worst being “stupid”. It explained why I had to wait until I was in a panic to be able to write; I needed the adrenaline of the panic to stimulate my brain so that I could get my thoughts to line up in a way that made sense. It is actually a sensory processing disorder!
So the doctor prescribed Adderall for me. I have to admit, I was doubtful. I didn’t think I would see a difference, I couldn’t imagine my brain functioning in a different way. My friends would describe to me the way their brains worked, but it’s like trying to explain chocolate to an alien. If they have never seen it, smelled it, tasted it or even heard of it, there is just no way to fully explain the taste to them. So I took the pill right there in the pharmacy, expecting to experience absolutely nothing. I got in my car and started to drive home, the usual swirl of ideas, stories and thoughts in my head, spinning and swirling around in my own private tornado. By the time I got home, mind you this is just a few minutes later, I was in shock. The tornado had stopped. The ideas and thoughts and stories were all lined up in my head waiting their turn! I had never experienced anything like it. My first thought was: my mind is playing tricks on me. I want something to be different so badly that I am having a placebo effect! I went inside and started working and instead of flitting from one thing to another, never really completing a task, I was able to see exactly what I needed to do and actually complete each task. I was able to complete in 6-8 hours what I usually couldn’t complete in 24. I was able to remember what needed to be done and act on it. I’m not saying I don’t forget things anymore, I do…I’m human; but I don’t forget EVERYTHING anymore and I am able to write myself notes for when the fog rolls back in and the tornado starts swirling again, so that I can function for the rest of the day. I am able to stick with a task until it is complete and then move on to the next task. I have never, ever been able to do that…not even when I am reading a book. I start 4 or 5 books at once and am lucky if I complete one. I can sit in a quiet room and work without any external stimulation to keep me moving.
I used to hyperfocus when I had to write. I still tend to get lost in my writing, but I can stop and do something else and come back to it and pick up my train of thought now – I couldn’t do that before. I used to have to concentrate so hard on a conversation that I would watch the person’s mouth move to remind me that they were talking. It wasn’t that I was not interested in what they were saying; it was just that the tornado was trying to pull me into 10 other things at the same time. Now, when someone speaks to me, I can actually enjoy the conversation; and if I have something I want to add to the conversation, I don’t have to interrupt them and blurt it out before I lose my train of thought.
Adderall is not a miracle drug, but it definitely helps me to focus and do the everyday tasks that I need to do to function normally. I am happier now than I have ever been…my creativity is still there (yes, I was worried that I would lose my imagination) and I am able to handle my life…as much as any single mother of three who works full time can! I have patience now; I still like instant gratification, but in this day and age, who doesn’t? The difference is, I can wait when I have to and it doesn’t upset me the way it used to. My kids are happier now; Mommy has patience and is actually cooking dinner again. My son told me the other day that he likes “Medicine Mommy” much better than “silly, weird Mommy”. Out of the mouths of babes….
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Thoughts on the New Year
Yes, I know the new year started several weeks ago, but I've been so busy with work and the kids that I have not had time to really think about what I want for this new year. I took a little time to evaluate and realized that my new year started several months ago when my divorce was granted. So, what have I changed in my "new year"?
The first thing I have tried to change is my attitude toward myself. A friend pointed out to me that I do a lot of negative self-talk. I didn't really think I agreed with her, but then I started paying more attention to what goes on in my head...and she's right. Not only do I do it in my head, but I do it to myself out loud as well. Sometimes I treat is as a joke, but a lot of the time I am just berating myself for something I feel I should have done, but forgot to do or something I just didn't think to do that I should have done. Once I started paying attention to what I was saying to myself, I noticed that my kids were doing it to themselves and to each other! Especially my oldest who, I fear, is just like me (see, there I go again!). Once I realized that what I was saying to myself out loud was affecting my kids, I had to make the decision to change it. I don't want my kids to grow up calling themselves names in their heads. I grew up doing that, and no matter what my parents or my family told me, I never believed that I was smart or capable.
I realize that part of my issue is ADD, I forget to do things or don't pay attention to what is going on around me or what someone is saying to me and then when I realize that I have no idea what is going on, I call myself stupid. My organizational skills leave a lot to be desired as well, but again, that is directly related to my ADD. I grew up feeling that I was lazy and stupid...but I realize now that I am not and I don't want any of my kids to grow up feeling like that. No matter what I say to them, I know that the voice they will listen to the most is the one inside their heads. Self-talk is probably one of the biggest influences on the emotional development of a child. That is not to say that outside influences mean nothing. I had plenty of "proof" from the outside that I was "stupid"; plenty of reinforcement on that front. The most important thing I feel I can teach my kids from this is to love themselves as much as they love others. They need to know that I believe in them, but it is more important that they believe in themselves.
As many things as I need to change in order to become the person I want to be, I think that this is the most important, for me and for my kids. Until I can get positive self-talk going in my head and until I can believe it, there is no sense trying to change any other aspect of my life, because the changes won't last. So here's to the future - to believing in myself and my abilities and to teaching my kids to feel the same way about themselves. There is strength to be found inside all of us, if we just reach in far enough and pull it out. It's up to us to do that for ourselves and to teach our kids to do the same. We can't do it for them. It is our job as parents to teach them to find their own strengths. A belated Happy New Year to my friends and I hope you all find the strength to reach for your own goals for 2011.
The first thing I have tried to change is my attitude toward myself. A friend pointed out to me that I do a lot of negative self-talk. I didn't really think I agreed with her, but then I started paying more attention to what goes on in my head...and she's right. Not only do I do it in my head, but I do it to myself out loud as well. Sometimes I treat is as a joke, but a lot of the time I am just berating myself for something I feel I should have done, but forgot to do or something I just didn't think to do that I should have done. Once I started paying attention to what I was saying to myself, I noticed that my kids were doing it to themselves and to each other! Especially my oldest who, I fear, is just like me (see, there I go again!). Once I realized that what I was saying to myself out loud was affecting my kids, I had to make the decision to change it. I don't want my kids to grow up calling themselves names in their heads. I grew up doing that, and no matter what my parents or my family told me, I never believed that I was smart or capable.
I realize that part of my issue is ADD, I forget to do things or don't pay attention to what is going on around me or what someone is saying to me and then when I realize that I have no idea what is going on, I call myself stupid. My organizational skills leave a lot to be desired as well, but again, that is directly related to my ADD. I grew up feeling that I was lazy and stupid...but I realize now that I am not and I don't want any of my kids to grow up feeling like that. No matter what I say to them, I know that the voice they will listen to the most is the one inside their heads. Self-talk is probably one of the biggest influences on the emotional development of a child. That is not to say that outside influences mean nothing. I had plenty of "proof" from the outside that I was "stupid"; plenty of reinforcement on that front. The most important thing I feel I can teach my kids from this is to love themselves as much as they love others. They need to know that I believe in them, but it is more important that they believe in themselves.
As many things as I need to change in order to become the person I want to be, I think that this is the most important, for me and for my kids. Until I can get positive self-talk going in my head and until I can believe it, there is no sense trying to change any other aspect of my life, because the changes won't last. So here's to the future - to believing in myself and my abilities and to teaching my kids to feel the same way about themselves. There is strength to be found inside all of us, if we just reach in far enough and pull it out. It's up to us to do that for ourselves and to teach our kids to do the same. We can't do it for them. It is our job as parents to teach them to find their own strengths. A belated Happy New Year to my friends and I hope you all find the strength to reach for your own goals for 2011.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Digging out of a rut
Have you ever felt like you were in a complete rut? I had a whole week to myself, to do anything I wanted to do and do you know what I did?? I stayed home. Did I write? No. Did I clean up? No. Did I watch tv and play on the computer? Yup. I need to get out, I need to interact with other adults, yet when given the chance, I stayed home. What's up with that???
It's an endless cycle, you know. You stay home one day b/c you feel a little lazy, don't feel like going out anywhere. Day after day you get lazier and lazier, and it gets harder and harder to go out. It's a trap! I love my new place, but I don't want to be in it 24 hours a day! So how do I break out of my funk?
I could invite a friend to coffee...but I have to work and can't really afford to take the time off during the week. I could take a lunch break and meet a friend for lunch, but that costs money...which I don't really have. I could take the kids out somewhere they have wifi so I can work and they can play....but that's really distracting, having to keep an eye on them in a public place. Ok, so I'm full of excuses. I can't wait for people to come to me and ask me to do things. It's time to call out the troops! It's time to go out and make some new friends and see my old friends. It's time to get off my ass, no matter how comfortable it is!! Yeah, good pep talk; wonder if I will follow it....
So what do you do when you are in a rut? How do you break out of it? This is usually the time I do something crazy and stupid...so help me out and keep me out of trouble.
It's an endless cycle, you know. You stay home one day b/c you feel a little lazy, don't feel like going out anywhere. Day after day you get lazier and lazier, and it gets harder and harder to go out. It's a trap! I love my new place, but I don't want to be in it 24 hours a day! So how do I break out of my funk?
I could invite a friend to coffee...but I have to work and can't really afford to take the time off during the week. I could take a lunch break and meet a friend for lunch, but that costs money...which I don't really have. I could take the kids out somewhere they have wifi so I can work and they can play....but that's really distracting, having to keep an eye on them in a public place. Ok, so I'm full of excuses. I can't wait for people to come to me and ask me to do things. It's time to call out the troops! It's time to go out and make some new friends and see my old friends. It's time to get off my ass, no matter how comfortable it is!! Yeah, good pep talk; wonder if I will follow it....
So what do you do when you are in a rut? How do you break out of it? This is usually the time I do something crazy and stupid...so help me out and keep me out of trouble.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Good Morning....Good Night (Good Luck)
Well, October is almost over and I have been so busy, I almost let the month go by without a post. ALMOST. I have to warn you, I am in a very silly mood tonight. Almost slapstick...probably because it is almost midnight and I have been awake for a very long time.
So, since this seems to be my place for griping and introspection, let the griping begin! Why in the world do the powers that be in the beautiful city of Raleigh, NC think it is a good idea to get preteens up at an ungodly hour to go to school????? Seriously! Skyler has to catch the bus at 5:45 am. Which means I have to wake her at 5:00am. Which means I have to set my alarm for 4:45am. Yes, you read that right. 4 stinkin' 45 in the morning! Ok, before you even ask me why I have to get up 15 minutes before she does...or why I have to get up at all...let me explain something about my daughter. SHE IS NOT A MORNING PERSON. Sky follows in her mommy's footsteps. She hates the morning. She does NOT want to get up. It doesn't matter what time she goes to bed the night before. It doesn't matter how many hours of sleep she has gotten. It doesn't matter what kind of alarm we set....she will not hear her alarm! She will not wake up! It will wake her brothers in the next room before it will wake her!
So I get up (after hitting snooze at least once) and I wake her. I shake her, I tickle her, I bounce her...somehow, someway, I manage to get the child to open her eyes and look at me. Then I do it again. And again. And again. Until she is finally coherent enough to understand that she is going to miss her bus if she doesn't get her butt out of bed. Luckily, she still likes school and doesn't want to be late! So she gets dressed and trudges down the stairs and looks in the pantry...and the fridge...and the feezer, before announcing that there is absolutely nothing to eat. Even though I have just gone food shopping and bought everything she asked for...apparently, what she wanted yesterday is no good today. I should know that, right? Note to self - yesterday's preteen wants are today's waste of money and tomorrow's garbage. OK, got it!
So finally, we are out the door, after getting the bookbag and the purse and the key and the phone and the drum kit (yes, she is the coolest of the band geeks - a drummer) and the lunch box (which is too big and too red)....and now we are on the front porch where she promptly asks me to drive her the one block to her friend's house "because it's too cold, mom!". And of course, being the loving mommy pushover that I am, I give in. I drive her one block (remember it's 5:30am, I don't want to be awake either!). And then do I get a kiss goodbye? Do I get a hug? Do I get any acknowledgement at all that I am even alive???? Do I really need to answer that?
Now that she has been safely delivered to her friend's house (whose mom is nice enough to walk them to the bus stop and wait for the bus with them so I can get back home to the boys) I can return home to walk the dog, walk on the treadmill (wishful thinking) and get my first cup of coffee! AHHHH the smell of hot coffee at 5:45 in the morning...did I mention I do NOT want to be awake???? I am about as pleasant as Skyler at this point...which is usually when Aiden comes bounding down the stairs ready to take on the day...can you tell that Aiden IS a morning person????
Would any of this scenario be different if I wasn't a single mom? I doubt it. I don't think I would be getting to sleep in. I don't think I would be staying home warm and snuggly under the blankets while he took her to the bus stop. I doubt that any of this would be different, certainly not her attitude, that's typical preteen...vintage, even. No, it wouldn't be any easier. And even if it was....it wouldn't be a reason to stay.
So, since this seems to be my place for griping and introspection, let the griping begin! Why in the world do the powers that be in the beautiful city of Raleigh, NC think it is a good idea to get preteens up at an ungodly hour to go to school????? Seriously! Skyler has to catch the bus at 5:45 am. Which means I have to wake her at 5:00am. Which means I have to set my alarm for 4:45am. Yes, you read that right. 4 stinkin' 45 in the morning! Ok, before you even ask me why I have to get up 15 minutes before she does...or why I have to get up at all...let me explain something about my daughter. SHE IS NOT A MORNING PERSON. Sky follows in her mommy's footsteps. She hates the morning. She does NOT want to get up. It doesn't matter what time she goes to bed the night before. It doesn't matter how many hours of sleep she has gotten. It doesn't matter what kind of alarm we set....she will not hear her alarm! She will not wake up! It will wake her brothers in the next room before it will wake her!
So I get up (after hitting snooze at least once) and I wake her. I shake her, I tickle her, I bounce her...somehow, someway, I manage to get the child to open her eyes and look at me. Then I do it again. And again. And again. Until she is finally coherent enough to understand that she is going to miss her bus if she doesn't get her butt out of bed. Luckily, she still likes school and doesn't want to be late! So she gets dressed and trudges down the stairs and looks in the pantry...and the fridge...and the feezer, before announcing that there is absolutely nothing to eat. Even though I have just gone food shopping and bought everything she asked for...apparently, what she wanted yesterday is no good today. I should know that, right? Note to self - yesterday's preteen wants are today's waste of money and tomorrow's garbage. OK, got it!
So finally, we are out the door, after getting the bookbag and the purse and the key and the phone and the drum kit (yes, she is the coolest of the band geeks - a drummer) and the lunch box (which is too big and too red)....and now we are on the front porch where she promptly asks me to drive her the one block to her friend's house "because it's too cold, mom!". And of course, being the loving mommy pushover that I am, I give in. I drive her one block (remember it's 5:30am, I don't want to be awake either!). And then do I get a kiss goodbye? Do I get a hug? Do I get any acknowledgement at all that I am even alive???? Do I really need to answer that?
Now that she has been safely delivered to her friend's house (whose mom is nice enough to walk them to the bus stop and wait for the bus with them so I can get back home to the boys) I can return home to walk the dog, walk on the treadmill (wishful thinking) and get my first cup of coffee! AHHHH the smell of hot coffee at 5:45 in the morning...did I mention I do NOT want to be awake???? I am about as pleasant as Skyler at this point...which is usually when Aiden comes bounding down the stairs ready to take on the day...can you tell that Aiden IS a morning person????
Would any of this scenario be different if I wasn't a single mom? I doubt it. I don't think I would be getting to sleep in. I don't think I would be staying home warm and snuggly under the blankets while he took her to the bus stop. I doubt that any of this would be different, certainly not her attitude, that's typical preteen...vintage, even. No, it wouldn't be any easier. And even if it was....it wouldn't be a reason to stay.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Voices in our heads
I have a question for you. How do you quiet someone else's voice in your head? You know the voice, the one that says "you're not good enough" or "you can't do that, you're not smart enough" or whatever self-depreciating negative thoughts you have going through your head. We all have them, no one is immune to them. But what do you do when you not only hear them, but they have a specific person's voice attached to them? It doesn't matter if the words were actually said by that person, just that the feelings are attached to that particular person; the self-image that you have was caused by something about that other person. Whether it was their intent or not, doesn't really matter, all that matters is that the voice is there, inside your head, bringing you down.
So what do you do?
There are those who would say "Just ignore it" or "Tell it to go to hell" or some other flippant answer. But this is a real problem for those of us with self-confidence issues. It is something that is very difficult to get over. You can confront the person, but that won't do any good because if they were aware they were doing it, then they will deny it and if they weren't aware, then there is nothing they can say to change it anyway. The damage is already done! So I guess finding the strength within yourself is the only answer.
No one can change your attitude about yourself but you. If you truly believe these things about yourself, then you have less of a chance of breaking free of them. However, if you KNOW they aren't true, and that they are just a remnant of your past, then you have a chance to change your attitude. I guess the idea is that you have to decide if you want to be a victim or not. If you don't want to be a victim, then it is going to take a concentrated effort. A friend of mine suggested affirmations to me once. I don't know that I believe in them, but I suppose it couldn't hurt to keep telling yourself positive things about yourself. That doesn't mean go overboard and become a narcissist, it just means that you can tell yourself your good points. For example, I can tell myself that I am a good mom. I know this about myself, and my kids are proof of it. There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth to yourself, right?
Then there is the idea of putting what you want out into the universe and then getting out of your own way to let it happen. We all put roadblocks up, but how many of them come from lack of confidence because of something you let someone put in your head? Getting out of your own way means actually BELIEVING in yourself and in your ability to do what it is you want to do. It also means believing that you deserve it.
Self confidence doesn't come easy to everyone. Most of us have to work very hard at it. We all start out with it...look at babies and toddlers; they have all the self confidence in the world because their world revolves around them. Somewhere along the line, some of us lose that feeling of "I can do anything I set my mind to". It doesn't really matter why we lose it, just that it is lost and needs to be found. Whether it is body consciousness caused by the media's images of perfection, or if it is a feeling of inferiority to a friend in school, or a failure to do something the first time you tried it, or someone actually going out of his or her way to stop you from being the best you that you can be....it doesn't matter. What matters is that you have the power to change it. It's going to be a hard road, a long road, but not a lonely road. Remember, there are a lot of us out there struggling through the same thing you are struggling through.
So in answer to my question, what do you do to quiet those voices? Take away their power. Replace it with your own. Work to truly believe in who you are and what you want and then sit back and step out of your own way, watch your dreams come true.
So what do you do?
There are those who would say "Just ignore it" or "Tell it to go to hell" or some other flippant answer. But this is a real problem for those of us with self-confidence issues. It is something that is very difficult to get over. You can confront the person, but that won't do any good because if they were aware they were doing it, then they will deny it and if they weren't aware, then there is nothing they can say to change it anyway. The damage is already done! So I guess finding the strength within yourself is the only answer.
No one can change your attitude about yourself but you. If you truly believe these things about yourself, then you have less of a chance of breaking free of them. However, if you KNOW they aren't true, and that they are just a remnant of your past, then you have a chance to change your attitude. I guess the idea is that you have to decide if you want to be a victim or not. If you don't want to be a victim, then it is going to take a concentrated effort. A friend of mine suggested affirmations to me once. I don't know that I believe in them, but I suppose it couldn't hurt to keep telling yourself positive things about yourself. That doesn't mean go overboard and become a narcissist, it just means that you can tell yourself your good points. For example, I can tell myself that I am a good mom. I know this about myself, and my kids are proof of it. There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth to yourself, right?
Then there is the idea of putting what you want out into the universe and then getting out of your own way to let it happen. We all put roadblocks up, but how many of them come from lack of confidence because of something you let someone put in your head? Getting out of your own way means actually BELIEVING in yourself and in your ability to do what it is you want to do. It also means believing that you deserve it.
Self confidence doesn't come easy to everyone. Most of us have to work very hard at it. We all start out with it...look at babies and toddlers; they have all the self confidence in the world because their world revolves around them. Somewhere along the line, some of us lose that feeling of "I can do anything I set my mind to". It doesn't really matter why we lose it, just that it is lost and needs to be found. Whether it is body consciousness caused by the media's images of perfection, or if it is a feeling of inferiority to a friend in school, or a failure to do something the first time you tried it, or someone actually going out of his or her way to stop you from being the best you that you can be....it doesn't matter. What matters is that you have the power to change it. It's going to be a hard road, a long road, but not a lonely road. Remember, there are a lot of us out there struggling through the same thing you are struggling through.
So in answer to my question, what do you do to quiet those voices? Take away their power. Replace it with your own. Work to truly believe in who you are and what you want and then sit back and step out of your own way, watch your dreams come true.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Separate Ways, Finally
Well, the papers have been signed, the details worked out and all the t's crossed and i's dotted. It has been over a year since we separated and we finally have a separation agreement. Now all there is left to do is wait for the final divorce to be granted and work out how we move on and try to parent our kids. We are so very different in our approaches that I don't see this being an easy thing.
How do you co-parent separately with someone you couldn't co-parent together with? Good question, right? We could do what we each please, fight like cats and dogs and blame each other when something goes wrong, or we could learn to communicate with each other, collaborate on details and work together. I don't think either of those will work for us. There has to be some middle ground somewhere that we can reach. There are going to be fights, there are going to be misunderstandings; that happens in the best of relationships and yes, this is still a relationship. It is just an evolving relationship. We are no longer best friends, in fact I don't think either of us would call the other friend at this moment in time. The fact remains, though, that we need to find a way to work together. We each need to learn to give to the other and think of the kids first.
So we move forward and through trial and error we will find the path of least resistance. We will do what is best for our kids, even if that means compromising or actually giving in to one another on occasion. Our only moments of togetherness will be discussing the children, and it is our children that will bind us together forever. All other bonds are broken, we are now each free to go our separate ways...and that is exactly what I intend to do.
How do you co-parent separately with someone you couldn't co-parent together with? Good question, right? We could do what we each please, fight like cats and dogs and blame each other when something goes wrong, or we could learn to communicate with each other, collaborate on details and work together. I don't think either of those will work for us. There has to be some middle ground somewhere that we can reach. There are going to be fights, there are going to be misunderstandings; that happens in the best of relationships and yes, this is still a relationship. It is just an evolving relationship. We are no longer best friends, in fact I don't think either of us would call the other friend at this moment in time. The fact remains, though, that we need to find a way to work together. We each need to learn to give to the other and think of the kids first.
So we move forward and through trial and error we will find the path of least resistance. We will do what is best for our kids, even if that means compromising or actually giving in to one another on occasion. Our only moments of togetherness will be discussing the children, and it is our children that will bind us together forever. All other bonds are broken, we are now each free to go our separate ways...and that is exactly what I intend to do.
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